In the taillight’s glow I see ‘em

Well, it winter time in Destin and we have gone from Hurricane season (when things can possibly leave you quickly) to Snow Bird Season (when nothing moves quickly). Snow Birds , for those of you who have never experienced such a thing, are 80 Year olds + – (mostly +) who migrate from the great white north every winter down to the Florida coast where they walk around with pail legs in shorts in around 35 degree weather having a good old time. While we are glad to have their business in an otherwise off season, driving is a real challenge. You know when they have arrived because you have hundreds of gray mini-vans with Ohio tags and Subaru Foresters with Quebec tags. The traffic is not the issue. It is more the speed of the traffic. I believe their vehicles are equipped with devices that keep them from going any faster than 10 mph below the speed limit. Now I am not a “speed demon” but I believe the speed limit serves two purposes. It tells you how slow you should drive and it gives you some reasonable idea of how fast you should drive. If it says 45 MPH that means you should shoot for somewhere between 42 and 47. For me, driving 35 in a 45 MPH zone is like pulling my finger nails out slowly. I don’t even have to be in a hurry. I can have an hour to get 10 miles and it still drives me crazy. I know everyone at some point has wanted one of those death ray buttons on their steering wheel that dissolves the car in front of you. Be honest now. During this time of the year I break fingernails trying to pry away the fake leather parts of the steering wheel looking for this button. I don’t dare beep the horn cause they aren’t going to speed up while going into cardiac arrest so I just bite holes in my tongue. I will endure. I have for several years now. It does remind me of a song from a rather obscure but hilarious group shown below.

We only have two months before the Snow Birds pack up and the spring breakers arrive. These guys are on the other side of the spectrum. They think speed limits are for wooses. They will be riding along behind me twittering their friends with one hand while drinking a beer with their other texting “I just broke a fingernail trying to pry away the fake leather parts of the steering wheel looking for the death ray button. I don’t dare beep the horn cause he isn’t going to speed up while going into cardiac arrest so I just bite holes in my pierced tongue.”

From Pinkard & Bowden – Sung to the tune “Blue Eyes Crying In The Rain”

In the taillight’s glow I see ‘em
Blue Hairs Drivin’ In My Lane
When she hit me and departed
I knew there’d be no insurance claim
Lucky I’m a paid-up member
Here comes good old Triple-A
From the tow-truck I remember
Blue Hairs Drivin’ In My Lane.

Someday on the streets up yonder
They’ll be no-o chevrolets
In a land that knows no parking
And no more Blue Hairs Drivin’ In My Lane

If you are not familiar with Pinkyard and Bowden you should look them up.
Blue Hairs Driving in the rain – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gea3SJauh6E  

Not all of their songs are tactfully correct but they mean well.
Tribute to Jeffry Dalmer – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PHk9-VTv6w4      

My wife and I saw these guys once live in a small club in Memphis and they were a hoot. But I digress…

Faithful Friends Who Are Dear To Us..

I love Christmas…

The most important part is the religious aspect but it is also a time for giving and getting. I am probably as much a kid with this part as my kids are. You always receive the expensive gifts but during Christmas I always get underwear. Now as kids guys never wanted underwear but as we get older, guys realize how important this is for if it were not for Christmas, we would not get underwear. Guys just don’t go shopping for underwear. It is not one of those things we get up in the morning and decide to go do. That’s probably why there is not a Victor’s Secrets store out there. If we get low, we just hold out until Christmas.

If you get 6 pairs of underwear, you have to get rid of 6 pairs of underwear. I don’t know who made that rule up but I live by it none the less. This exercise is like a ritual. Usually when you open the underwear drawer, you can see the underwear slide back into a tight knit group like a bunch of little fish being stalked by a shark which knowing what their next assignment is going to be, I can understand that. When they realize that 6 of their comrades are going to that great laundry hamper in the sky, they really tighten up. You have to grab the entire stash, spread them out on the bed, and try to come up with the 6 worst pair. Personalities aren’t usually involved so it is strictly an appearance and elastic-ability thing. After much sorting and stretching you come up with the 6 unlucky contestants.

Now I can’t just toss them out. After all they have been very supportive of me over the past few years so they deserve some respect. What I usually do is wear each pair one more time before I throw them out. Kinda like a “farewell tour” sort of thing. I give them one last day in the world with me even though my view of life that day might be a little better than theirs. After our day together I have a small casual ceremony. There is usually a very short but heartfelt speech something like –

“As difficult as this day might be, we still must celebrate. You and I have been very close throughout your life. You have been places I wouldn’t go – doing things I wouldn’t want to do but you have always stuck by me. Your waistband has always remained tight and though your label left you long ago, seldom have you gone on backwards or inside out. I hope in your next life you come back as a toboggan or a neck tie for you have done your tour in this life. I wish you the best my friend.”

With that I give them a final salute and into the garbage can they go. With that I feel that I have thanked them for a job well done and I begin to look forward to my time together with my six new friends.

I also got socks.

I love Christmas….

she’ll share your joys but not your sorrows

Well I imagine everyone has put up with about all that they can stand to hear about Tiger Woods. In one week’s time he has gone from being “on a pedestal” to being “human”. I have never thought of him as anything but a guy who was good at golf. If you watch him walk down the fairway he has the appearance that he expects every blade of grass and all fans to bow before him. He is just a guy with a god given talent but in the past week, in my eyes, he has gone from being human to being a low life. There is nothing “human” about what he did. I am human and I would like to think most male humans don’t think cheating on their wives for several years with several different women is a normal human trait. His press release states “I have not been true to my values and the behavior my family deserves” . I take exception to that statement. If he has been cheating for years with multiple women then he has been true to his “values’. His “values” just aren’t all that high. I hope his wife takes him to court and wins the “longest drive” contest straight up his .. uh .. you know.

beatniks and politics nothing is new

Recently I received one of those e-mails – you know – that went to probably 500 people. I don’t usually get involved in group e-mails but this one struck me as worthy of passing on. I did not forward it but I will share it with you. It told of a friend of the sender that had just seen a bumper sticker on a car in front of him. It said :
Pray for Obama. Psalm 109:8
Now we all know times are confusing and we need all the help we can get so this one really rings true. To get the full effect of this message you need to pull out your bible and look this up. I believe you will appreciate it.

If you must, you can take the easy way

http://bible.cc/psalms/109-8.htm

Now it all started two Thanksgivings ago, was on – two years ago on Thanksgiving

We are closing in on the holidays again and this time of the year is always fun but it is the prelude to cold weather which just doesn’t fit well along the beach. One time that my family seems to enjoy is Thanksgiving. We all eat like farm animals, which is common throughout, but the day after Thanksgiving is always special because the extended families all get together in Eufaula, Alabama and have the guy’s day on Friday and then have the Dirty Santa gift giving in that evening. You have to have a little background on this to truly enjoy it. We have several very close friends that we have had for years and we all decided that while we are not exactly related, we are family. We go back over 15 years ago and we all have, in one way or another, raised each other’s children and each other’s children have all, in one way or another, raised us adults. We are family. We vacation together every year (Beach Week) and we try to get together during the special holidays even though some of the relatives are a little spread out (Houston, Louisville, oil rigs in the Gulf of Mexico, you get the idea).

On Friday the men (who can make it) all get together and do Guy Things. This all falls within the realm of acceptability under the guy’s version of the sex explanation handbook “Men Are From Neptune, Women Are A Pain In Uranus”. This book clearly states that every once in a while men are allowed to get together and do guy things. We all meet at a good friend’s house, which has a nice sized stretch of land, and we do our version of “Manly Things”. This is up in Alabama and we do Alabama guy types of things. Usually nobody wears camo, we don’t pee in the bushes, and no one goes home with a dead animal strapped to their hood but other than that we do Alabama guy things. We usually shoot some type of projectile dispersing device (one of our favorites is our potato cannon though we have shot blow guns and an occasional shot gun). We have a wide assortment of rockets usually most of which end up in the top of a tree before the day is over. We have cheap remote control airplanes which we usually end up strapping one of the rocket engines to before the day is over which works just about as well as you would imagine. We occasionally have a nice remote control plane or car but as a rule they are probably classier than we deserve. We also partake in some type of alcoholic beverage in moderation (that term might be up for interpretation). As a rule no one gets hurt and when we go home (other than a few rockets hanging from pine trees out of reach), no one knows we have been there.

While the guys are all outside entertaining ourselves, the girls are all stuck with trying to entertain themselves. Some go to Dothan (the big city) and get involved in the Day After Thanksgiving Sales, a ritual that with me runs right up there with having someone pull my fingernails out slowly. Some, bless their hearts, have to work, and some sit in the house and discuss by group the virtuous points (or lack thereof) of their husbands (kind of a Sisterhood Of The Wadded Panties if you know what I mean). We guys try to stay away from that group as the situation is usually unwinnable.

In the evenings we all clean up and have a meal fit for a king. Then we get to exchange our version of Christmas gifts which has evolved into Dirty Santa. We all try to out-do each other coming up with something which everyone would either love or really not want (usually the case). We have had “Dogs Playing Poker” paintings (two versions if my memory serves me), Velcro vests where people throw balls at you, baskets you wear on your heads where people shoot small basketballs at you, some strange game where you get the living s### (stew) shocked out of you if you don’t push the correct button at the correct time, small remote control helicopters that don’t do well with ceiling fans, you name it.

When it’s all over we all have had a great day and another great Thanksgiving has taken place. This is all coming up in a few weeks and everyone really starts to look forward to it about now. It is a time to share with family and our group is probably better than any family I could have ever asked for.

But ain’t too much sadder than

I read I the news today that a family in Iowa came home and found a dead deer dressed in a clown suit on their front porch. The police said they suspected that it was a prank. Let me say that again. The police said they suspected that it was a prank. That means they still think that there is a possibility that it might just be something else. Would someone tell me what that might just be? There are some other possibilities I suppose :

It could have been a promotional attempt by McDonalds having a Ronald McDonald look alike promoting their new McBuck sandwich that went awry.

He could have been a member of Cirque daim Soleil who died on the way to the show

It might have been the demise of Buckster Keaton.

Or it might have just been a prank (but that is only a suspicion).

Give me some time, I’m living in twilight

Several years ago I went from an office job to a sales position. The position has plenty of positives but the negatives are things you wouldn’t expect. The small things that you usually take for granted now have to be searched out. When you are on the road, a drink of water now requires a stop at a convenience store. There is no coffee pot available so you have to search out a fast food restaurant. Probably the most inconvenient missing item is a simple bathroom. On the highway the best place is usually a rest stop but it is also the most public place. This leads me to the following:

Recently while on the road I stopped at a rest stop on Interstate 10 to use the bathroom. I had just entered the building and was standing at the facility when a voice from within the stall behind me said “Hi there”. Now I’m not always the most social individual when it comes to complete strangers and not only was this a stranger, the situation was also strange. I was completely at a loss for what to do but some voice inside me said this is just some guy being overly friendly so like an idiot I responded with “Hi”. He came back with “What are you doing?”. This was going downhill quick for it seemed pretty obvious to me what I was doing as I would have thought it was to him. The pause while I was figuring out what to do next seemed to fill the roof like a smoke bomb in a phone booth so being the master of the English language that I am in awkward situations, that little voice within me responded with “Just standing here”. A few seconds passed and he said “When you’re through do you want to go get a drink?”. Well this had gone from what I thought was some overly friendly guy to something totally different. I decided this had progressed far enough so I responded with “Well, ..No”. After a second he came back in a slightly different tone “Hold on… I’m on the cell phone you dumb ###”. Now my whole life didn’t pass before my eyes like you hear people refer to but I know that in the split second between the word “phone” and the words “dumb ###”, every embarrassing thing I had ever done passed before me and my mind was busy trying to figure out where this one ranked. I don’t know if I was completely through with what I was there for but I was through with what I was going to do. After a very quick washing of the hands I decided to let them drip dry and I was out of there. The thought of waiting in my car long enough to see what this individual looked like was quickly overruled by the thought that any accidental eye contact would surely give me away so off I drove.

Being in sales and on the road a large percentage of my time I understand the necessity of cell phones but I have always said “There is a special place in hell for people who use cell phones in a public bathroom”. This adventure only solidifies my feelings.

Heaven On Earth With An Onion Slice

On the news today I saw where they had arrested several people at a restaurant for indecent exposure. Supposedly the girls serving food at the hamburger joint would strip naked if the customer would give them $60. Different levels of exposure for lesser cost. According to the news broadcast they were arrested after a two month investigation. Two months. All you had to do was offer them $60 and they would strip but it took two months to accumulate enough evidence to take them to court.

I think this is more of a social experiment than anything else. We now know how long the average male will endure eating hamburgers three times a day just to see a naked girl. Two Months.

When your bird is broken will it bring you down

Living at the beach I frequently get asked “What do you do in the winter time?”. I’ll have to admit it is nowhere near as much fun in the winter as it is in the summer. I’ve often said it is like having a toy with no batteries. It’s usually pretty outside but too cold to necessarily enjoy it. We usually make do.

I usually tell them about a game we play called “Pfffthp”. It is a rather simple game to learn. It only requires a couple of lawn chairs, a cooler of beer, an umbrella, and a large order of french fries from a fast food place. The concept of the game is to set up the chairs, the cooler, and the umbrella along the edge of Hwy 98 and throw a french fry into traffic and see if a seagull can get it without getting nailed. I tell them we usually place bets on the results. The umbrella is essential because the seagulls do actually get the french fry occasionally and nothing gives a seagull the greasy … uh .. poops (as they say) worse than a french fry. If you stop and think you can figure out how the game gets its name.

Now those of you who know me know I wouldn’t do anything to hurt a seagull just for fun but you wouldn’t believe how many people actually believe this story.

Lots of people talk and few of them know

 

OK, I am confused. I watch the news and I see where we want to release the terrorist but we want to prosecute the guys who kept them from terrorizing us further, we prosecute people who say prayers before a football game but we protect the people who draw a swat sticker on a bathroom wall with a laundry marker because it’s free speech, we want to take “In God We trust” off our money and take “Under God” out of our national anthem regardless of who that offends but we are worried about making a person of a different faith uncomfortable about having a Christmas tree in town square, we want to limit playing loud music to our terrorist captives because that is torture while we watch them behead us, we find a way to limit the growth of our students based on the slowest person of the class because that is unfair, we want to limit the health care of the people who have made themselves profitable because it might be better than those who have chosen to take a easier path, we chose to find a negative term for looking at those who cause most of the problems first when solving crimes simply because they happen to cause most of the problems , and we spend countless dollars advertising about why people should spend their money making themselves thin to be natural in the world while we encourage the advertisements all day about a little blue pill that can make our mole hill into mountains. I don’t understand just where we really are right now, where are we going, and what have we become. I think I am going to sit on my back porch and look at the moon shining through the clouds and thank God for the peace of mind that he provides for those who go looking for it. Enjoy it now before someone finds something politically, genetically, or morally wrong with it. By the way, your dog agrees with you on this one. Take him/her with you. They smile and bring some degree of sanity to it all.