she’ll share your joys but not your sorrows

Well I imagine everyone has put up with about all that they can stand to hear about Tiger Woods. In one week’s time he has gone from being “on a pedestal” to being “human”. I have never thought of him as anything but a guy who was good at golf. If you watch him walk down the fairway he has the appearance that he expects every blade of grass and all fans to bow before him. He is just a guy with a god given talent but in the past week, in my eyes, he has gone from being human to being a low life. There is nothing “human” about what he did. I am human and I would like to think most male humans don’t think cheating on their wives for several years with several different women is a normal human trait. His press release states “I have not been true to my values and the behavior my family deserves” . I take exception to that statement. If he has been cheating for years with multiple women then he has been true to his “values’. His “values” just aren’t all that high. I hope his wife takes him to court and wins the “longest drive” contest straight up his .. uh .. you know.

beatniks and politics nothing is new

Recently I received one of those e-mails – you know – that went to probably 500 people. I don’t usually get involved in group e-mails but this one struck me as worthy of passing on. I did not forward it but I will share it with you. It told of a friend of the sender that had just seen a bumper sticker on a car in front of him. It said :
Pray for Obama. Psalm 109:8
Now we all know times are confusing and we need all the help we can get so this one really rings true. To get the full effect of this message you need to pull out your bible and look this up. I believe you will appreciate it.

If you must, you can take the easy way

http://bible.cc/psalms/109-8.htm

Now it all started two Thanksgivings ago, was on – two years ago on Thanksgiving

We are closing in on the holidays again and this time of the year is always fun but it is the prelude to cold weather which just doesn’t fit well along the beach. One time that my family seems to enjoy is Thanksgiving. We all eat like farm animals, which is common throughout, but the day after Thanksgiving is always special because the extended families all get together in Eufaula, Alabama and have the guy’s day on Friday and then have the Dirty Santa gift giving in that evening. You have to have a little background on this to truly enjoy it. We have several very close friends that we have had for years and we all decided that while we are not exactly related, we are family. We go back over 15 years ago and we all have, in one way or another, raised each other’s children and each other’s children have all, in one way or another, raised us adults. We are family. We vacation together every year (Beach Week) and we try to get together during the special holidays even though some of the relatives are a little spread out (Houston, Louisville, oil rigs in the Gulf of Mexico, you get the idea).

On Friday the men (who can make it) all get together and do Guy Things. This all falls within the realm of acceptability under the guy’s version of the sex explanation handbook “Men Are From Neptune, Women Are A Pain In Uranus”. This book clearly states that every once in a while men are allowed to get together and do guy things. We all meet at a good friend’s house, which has a nice sized stretch of land, and we do our version of “Manly Things”. This is up in Alabama and we do Alabama guy types of things. Usually nobody wears camo, we don’t pee in the bushes, and no one goes home with a dead animal strapped to their hood but other than that we do Alabama guy things. We usually shoot some type of projectile dispersing device (one of our favorites is our potato cannon though we have shot blow guns and an occasional shot gun). We have a wide assortment of rockets usually most of which end up in the top of a tree before the day is over. We have cheap remote control airplanes which we usually end up strapping one of the rocket engines to before the day is over which works just about as well as you would imagine. We occasionally have a nice remote control plane or car but as a rule they are probably classier than we deserve. We also partake in some type of alcoholic beverage in moderation (that term might be up for interpretation). As a rule no one gets hurt and when we go home (other than a few rockets hanging from pine trees out of reach), no one knows we have been there.

While the guys are all outside entertaining ourselves, the girls are all stuck with trying to entertain themselves. Some go to Dothan (the big city) and get involved in the Day After Thanksgiving Sales, a ritual that with me runs right up there with having someone pull my fingernails out slowly. Some, bless their hearts, have to work, and some sit in the house and discuss by group the virtuous points (or lack thereof) of their husbands (kind of a Sisterhood Of The Wadded Panties if you know what I mean). We guys try to stay away from that group as the situation is usually unwinnable.

In the evenings we all clean up and have a meal fit for a king. Then we get to exchange our version of Christmas gifts which has evolved into Dirty Santa. We all try to out-do each other coming up with something which everyone would either love or really not want (usually the case). We have had “Dogs Playing Poker” paintings (two versions if my memory serves me), Velcro vests where people throw balls at you, baskets you wear on your heads where people shoot small basketballs at you, some strange game where you get the living s### (stew) shocked out of you if you don’t push the correct button at the correct time, small remote control helicopters that don’t do well with ceiling fans, you name it.

When it’s all over we all have had a great day and another great Thanksgiving has taken place. This is all coming up in a few weeks and everyone really starts to look forward to it about now. It is a time to share with family and our group is probably better than any family I could have ever asked for.

But ain’t too much sadder than

I read I the news today that a family in Iowa came home and found a dead deer dressed in a clown suit on their front porch. The police said they suspected that it was a prank. Let me say that again. The police said they suspected that it was a prank. That means they still think that there is a possibility that it might just be something else. Would someone tell me what that might just be? There are some other possibilities I suppose :

It could have been a promotional attempt by McDonalds having a Ronald McDonald look alike promoting their new McBuck sandwich that went awry.

He could have been a member of Cirque daim Soleil who died on the way to the show

It might have been the demise of Buckster Keaton.

Or it might have just been a prank (but that is only a suspicion).

Give me some time, I’m living in twilight

Several years ago I went from an office job to a sales position. The position has plenty of positives but the negatives are things you wouldn’t expect. The small things that you usually take for granted now have to be searched out. When you are on the road, a drink of water now requires a stop at a convenience store. There is no coffee pot available so you have to search out a fast food restaurant. Probably the most inconvenient missing item is a simple bathroom. On the highway the best place is usually a rest stop but it is also the most public place. This leads me to the following:

Recently while on the road I stopped at a rest stop on Interstate 10 to use the bathroom. I had just entered the building and was standing at the facility when a voice from within the stall behind me said “Hi there”. Now I’m not always the most social individual when it comes to complete strangers and not only was this a stranger, the situation was also strange. I was completely at a loss for what to do but some voice inside me said this is just some guy being overly friendly so like an idiot I responded with “Hi”. He came back with “What are you doing?”. This was going downhill quick for it seemed pretty obvious to me what I was doing as I would have thought it was to him. The pause while I was figuring out what to do next seemed to fill the roof like a smoke bomb in a phone booth so being the master of the English language that I am in awkward situations, that little voice within me responded with “Just standing here”. A few seconds passed and he said “When you’re through do you want to go get a drink?”. Well this had gone from what I thought was some overly friendly guy to something totally different. I decided this had progressed far enough so I responded with “Well, ..No”. After a second he came back in a slightly different tone “Hold on… I’m on the cell phone you dumb ###”. Now my whole life didn’t pass before my eyes like you hear people refer to but I know that in the split second between the word “phone” and the words “dumb ###”, every embarrassing thing I had ever done passed before me and my mind was busy trying to figure out where this one ranked. I don’t know if I was completely through with what I was there for but I was through with what I was going to do. After a very quick washing of the hands I decided to let them drip dry and I was out of there. The thought of waiting in my car long enough to see what this individual looked like was quickly overruled by the thought that any accidental eye contact would surely give me away so off I drove.

Being in sales and on the road a large percentage of my time I understand the necessity of cell phones but I have always said “There is a special place in hell for people who use cell phones in a public bathroom”. This adventure only solidifies my feelings.

Heaven On Earth With An Onion Slice

On the news today I saw where they had arrested several people at a restaurant for indecent exposure. Supposedly the girls serving food at the hamburger joint would strip naked if the customer would give them $60. Different levels of exposure for lesser cost. According to the news broadcast they were arrested after a two month investigation. Two months. All you had to do was offer them $60 and they would strip but it took two months to accumulate enough evidence to take them to court.

I think this is more of a social experiment than anything else. We now know how long the average male will endure eating hamburgers three times a day just to see a naked girl. Two Months.

When your bird is broken will it bring you down

Living at the beach I frequently get asked “What do you do in the winter time?”. I’ll have to admit it is nowhere near as much fun in the winter as it is in the summer. I’ve often said it is like having a toy with no batteries. It’s usually pretty outside but too cold to necessarily enjoy it. We usually make do.

I usually tell them about a game we play called “Pfffthp”. It is a rather simple game to learn. It only requires a couple of lawn chairs, a cooler of beer, an umbrella, and a large order of french fries from a fast food place. The concept of the game is to set up the chairs, the cooler, and the umbrella along the edge of Hwy 98 and throw a french fry into traffic and see if a seagull can get it without getting nailed. I tell them we usually place bets on the results. The umbrella is essential because the seagulls do actually get the french fry occasionally and nothing gives a seagull the greasy … uh .. poops (as they say) worse than a french fry. If you stop and think you can figure out how the game gets its name.

Now those of you who know me know I wouldn’t do anything to hurt a seagull just for fun but you wouldn’t believe how many people actually believe this story.

Lots of people talk and few of them know

 

OK, I am confused. I watch the news and I see where we want to release the terrorist but we want to prosecute the guys who kept them from terrorizing us further, we prosecute people who say prayers before a football game but we protect the people who draw a swat sticker on a bathroom wall with a laundry marker because it’s free speech, we want to take “In God We trust” off our money and take “Under God” out of our national anthem regardless of who that offends but we are worried about making a person of a different faith uncomfortable about having a Christmas tree in town square, we want to limit playing loud music to our terrorist captives because that is torture while we watch them behead us, we find a way to limit the growth of our students based on the slowest person of the class because that is unfair, we want to limit the health care of the people who have made themselves profitable because it might be better than those who have chosen to take a easier path, we chose to find a negative term for looking at those who cause most of the problems first when solving crimes simply because they happen to cause most of the problems , and we spend countless dollars advertising about why people should spend their money making themselves thin to be natural in the world while we encourage the advertisements all day about a little blue pill that can make our mole hill into mountains. I don’t understand just where we really are right now, where are we going, and what have we become. I think I am going to sit on my back porch and look at the moon shining through the clouds and thank God for the peace of mind that he provides for those who go looking for it. Enjoy it now before someone finds something politically, genetically, or morally wrong with it. By the way, your dog agrees with you on this one. Take him/her with you. They smile and bring some degree of sanity to it all.

Meet the new boss

Recently I saw a movie named Grand Torino that send a shiver up my spine. Clint Eastwood played an old grumpy man who seemed to find fault in everything life put in front of him and I began to think about friends I have that have reached older age that seemed to develop the same trait. Getting up in age myself I was wondering if I was reaching that same stage with some of my thoughts. Cranky, grumpy (I am avoiding the word crotchety because I don’t fully know the meaning but it sounds like it might hurt), grouchy, generally just frustrated with people doing things I don’t agree with. After thinking about it I believe I just get angry with people not doing what they are supposed to do in life. We all have guidelines and things we know are right and wrong and when people disregard these guidelines, it pesters the stew out of me. I’m sure you come across these same situations but I feel the need to discuss a few examples.
General Workforce – People are paid to do a job. It is the people who fail to see the need to do this that get under my skin. A classic example is going to a “pay at the pump” gas station and having to go inside to get a receipt. This is almost always the result of someone being too lazy to go outside and put a print ribbon in the receipt printer. It is obviously easier to just have all the customers come in (usually through a driving rain storm) to get their receipt than to get off their own butts and put a new ribbon in the pump itself. The fact that “pay at the pump” is supposed to mean you don’t have to go inside seams to means nothing to them. (I could spend a few minutes discussing the guys at Home Depot who see that you obviously need help ut look away before you make eye contact so they don’t have to help you but that is a a thought for a different time.) My thoughts are “Do your d@mn job”.
General Public – Streets are all assigned a speed limit. They are easy to figure out. They stick this figure on rectangular signs all along the road (white signs, black numbers, you can’t miss them). This means you aren’t supposed to go faster than what is posted but it also give you a general guideline as to what you are supposed to shoot for as far as an average. If it says 45 MPH it doesn’t mean 55 but it also doesn’t mean 30. People who cruse along 15 to 20 mph below the speed limit pointing at pretty houses to their passengers are just as dangerous to the general public as those going 10 mph over the speed limit. If it says 45, it is your responsibility to go somewhere around that speed. Once again my response is “Do your d@mn job” and go close to the posted speed limit.
Parenting – When you decided to take on the responsibility of child rearing you agreed to teach children what to do and what not to do. A screaming kid at a restaurant or at Wal-Mart is not a cute thing to people around you. Allowing your kids to talk and hit each other on a church pew is not socially acceptable. You brought them onto this earth, teach them how to behave while they are here. “ Do your d@mn job” and teach these kids how to act in public.
Political Representatives – Now lets get down to it. When you stood on a podium and asked us to vote for you, you agreed to represent the people and their thoughts. You promised to use your experience and your knowledge to do what you think your constituents would want. What is best for them in their situation. It is obvious that this was all lip service when we see how you act when they get to Washington. Let’s talk about this for a minute. To keep this from sounding like a political announcement let’s keep it neutral. There are 100 senators in Congress. You have democrats, republicans, and independents. For the sake of this thought let’s say there are 45 green party member, 45 yellow party members and 10 brown party members. If you are doing what you promised to do there is no way any idea presented that would have everyone in the green party agree with it nor would any idea have everyone in the yellow party disagree with it. (The brown party could be anywhere depending on what the green party members or the yellow party members promised them for their vote so for now we’ll leave them out of the discussion.) I’m sure there’s not a single thought or idea that everyone in the Hatfield family would agree with and along the same lines that everyone in the McCoy family would  disagree with. In real life people actually think and make decisions.In Washington it is all politics. Voting along party lines is not what you promised to do. You promised to use your experience and your intelligence to make decisions that represent the best interest of your constituents. If we wanted someone to follow the piper, we could have elected rats (we may have but not in the same context). Listen to the people in your district and do what they sent you to Washington to do. If you have a meeting with your public and the majority of the public you were elected to represent have a problem with what you are presenting, it might mean they don’t agree with the idea (like  ..  duhh). I don’t care what your party members want you to do or say. You are there to represent the people who voted for you. “Do your d@mn job”.
Change The World – Let’s take this to the highest political (by design) level. If you think the best way to get your projects passed is to push it through before the general public figures out what you are doing, then think – is this what you promised us before we elected you? Is this the transparency we were promised? I’m not saying the idea or the concept it wrong (biting my tongue to the point of bleeding), but at least let it go before the Congress with enough time for them to read it (making a strong assumption here) and enough time for the general public to understand it. You are early in the process here. For this to work you need to do what we (generally speaking) elected you to do…. you guessed it .. “Do your d@mn job”.

Oh crap…Did I make “crotchety”?

breakin’ my mind

When I was around 10 years old a blind child moved into our neighborhood two streets over. Within a month the highway department had put up a warning sign.

I remember asking my parents who did it and they said the state did it. I asked them how they knew and they said the neighbors probably told them.

Around six months later a deaf child moved in to the neighborhood 4 streets over and then like clockwork the state put a warning sign up.

 

I remember asking my parents who did it and they said the state did it. I again asked them how they knew and they said the neighbors probably told them.

Around 3 months later the state put a sign up in front of my house. I never trusted the neighbors after that.